Half Love

In a universe filled with worlds
a world filled with literature
a literature filled with poetry
poetries filled with love;
obsessive love, unrequited love
long lost love, long distance love
toxic love, addictive love
unconditional love, failed love.

But what about the half love?
The love where you want to give it your all
but can’t?
The love which you want to be whole
with all your being
but all you can do is
end up creating more holes?
The love where the only thing
stopping you from loving is
you?

I read poetry about obsessive love
where you can’t give up on them
because they run through your brain
like the synapse in the neurons.
But what about the love
which a son wants with his mother
a mother people think is quite okay
but fail to see
the invisible light years worth of distance
in a small 4 BHK?

I read poetry about unrequited love
where a love with a person
who doesn’t love you back
is the most beautiful thing in the world.
But what about the love
where the person’s self pity or helplessness
pulls them so down
that they can’t even manage an emotion
all on their own?

I read poetry about long lost love
where the things might be in the past
but the past always manages
to be your present
or even future.
But what about the love
which remains latent
out of the context of time or loss,
an innovation of your demons
and you can’t even get a patent?

I read poetry about long distance love
miles between them
but not within them,
oh, how beautiful!
But what about the love
where you sit beside your partner
trying to leap the unseen spaces
but all that you can hear is silence
and in your mind,
the forgotten laughter.

I read poetry about toxic love,
where they become the death of you
the cancer in your bones
the venom in your veins.
But what about the love
where you consume the poison
kept on the bathroom shelf
and despite having the antidote,
you can’t live for them
because you want to die
for yourself?

I read poetry about addictive love
where you do anything for them
because you can’t do anything
without them.
Soulful integration, right?
But what about the love
that a martyr’s wife has
for the nation he died for
but can’t disintegrate from it
even when the meagre pension lags?

I read poetry about unconditional love
a love beyond limits,
a love beyond boundaries
a love incontextual.
But what about the love
of the Jack living on one side of the border
separated not by nature
but by the nature of humans
for the Rose living on the other?

I read poetry about failed love
where a person
is either a partner or a teacher
and they either leave you
with a story to tell or
a lesson to learn,
and though it failed,
but alteast it sailed.
But what about the love
of a dying woman,
alone in a room
which existed only in her imagination
because it never got a chance
to bloom?

The world writes about
obsessive love, unrequited love
long lost love, long distance love
toxic love, addictive love
unconditional love, failed love
and all the other
appealing and legendary loves.

But here I find myself,
writing about all those half loves
of all those half souls
who the poets don’t find interesting enough,
who don’t find anything to connect to,
in a universe filled with worlds
a world filled with literature
a literature filled with poetry
and poetries filled with love.

– The Learner.

 

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Hyper Brain

He comes to see me after 3 months. I walk to him as he walks towards me.

Am I looking good?

Am I walking properly?

Is my smile alright? 

He looks so lovely.

Shit, why am I sweating!

Omg, I have to leave early!

I stumble while walking.

He clasps me in his arms.

I’ve missed him so much.

Am I holding him too tight? 

Is everybody watching us?

Feels like the world has stopped.

What if someone scolds us? 

Am I smelling okay? 

His cologne, his touch, so good. 

Shit, I’ve to leave early. 

I hug back awkwardly.

He looks into my eyes and asks how I am.

I’ve been so lonely without you.

Is my expression okay? 

I am happy right now but I’ve been miserable.

Am I taking too long to reply? 

What do I want to say? 

What am I gonna say? 

I love you.

Do I have to say anything? 

I don’t know what to say! 

Shit, I’ve to leave early!

I say I’ve been good.

We go out to eat, he asks me what I want.

I’m not really hungry!

Will it be rude if I say I don’t wanna eat anything? 

It’s so good to be with him. 

Am I taking too long? 

What if I get fat?

What if he doesn’t like me being fat? 

What if he leaves me for that? 

I don’t wanna waste his money!

I’m sure as hell taking too long!

I’m gonna be so busted today!

I’ve to leave soon! 

I say I’m full after staring for 3 minutes at the menu card. He orders me a dessert anyway. We eat our food.

Am I eating properly?

Do I look funny? 

Am I eating properly? 

Should I eat or should I talk? 

He’s so cute.

I should talk while eating! 

What do I talk about? 

Am I taking too long to talk? 

Shit, I’ve messed my plate! 

He surely thinks I’m stupid! 

I just wanna be with him. 

I’m so fucking dumb!

My mom’s gonna kill me for being late! 

He smiles and wipes my spilled ice cream with a napkin. I make an awkward laugh.

We finish our food. While walking back home, he comes closer, clutches me in his arms, wanting to kiss me.

Am I smelling okay? 

I don’t know how to kiss! 

Shit, I’m sweating!

He’s beautiful. 

This moment is beautiful. 

I’m gonna mess everything up!

He’s gonna laugh! 

What if he leaves me? 

What if he makes fun of me in front of his friends? 

Is the time getting too slow? 

Shit, he’s coming closer!

I wanna run away!

He smells so good. 

What do I do? 

How do I do it?

His eyes, wow.

What if someone comes? 

What if they see us? 

What will they think? 

I wish I could stop thinking.

Shit, it’s time to leave!

I stand frozen.

The Learner.

SLOWING DOWN

You know,
in split seconds between split seconds
in moments between moments
everything slows down…

When everything slows down,
you pay attention to much more things
than you normally do.

Slowing down,
I see the dry leaves flying,
detaching themselves from the tree
the tree which can’t nurture it anymore
flying away to a place unplanned
with no direction whatsoever.
I want to be like that leaf.

Slowing down,
I see concrete rocks,
lying on the road
sitting unaffected by nothing or no one,
neither waiting for anyone to come
nor waiting to go anywhere,
just there
lying in the space
lying in that moment.
I want to be like that rock.

Slowing down,
I see the birds,
some flying together
making beautiful patterns in the sky,
some travelling alone
to expanses
even they themselves can’t fathom.
I want to be like those birds.

Slowing down,
I feel the breeze,
I see it moving
I smell its fragrance
taking a part of everything it comes across
to places that are unknown by the humanity,
travelling miles and miles
to touch the horizon
knowing that it never actually will
but just the act of moving towards it
brings solace to her.
I want to be like the wind.

Slowing down,
I see the sky,
so vast so endless
but seems so close,
just up there on it’s own
existing in its eternal independence,
with or without anything beneath it.
I want to be like that sky.

Slowing down,
I walk on the road,
observing the nature
and then observing humans,
the traffic,
the tension,
the haste.

Always in a hurry
to get to another place
without savouring the moment
we’re already living.

Running in races not meant for us
crying for things that won’t matter,
so desperate to reach the destination
that we forget to enjoy the journey,
only to realise later
that our destination was our journey
and the journey, our satisfaction.

Slowing down,
I realise that we’re caught
in the vicious circle of getting results
by ourselves and by others,
the results
which not always result into anything
but always result into misery
for not being able to bring any results.

Slowing down,
I realise that sometimes
it’s better to let go of expectations
and breathe in
for the sole purpose of
contentment,
sometimes freeing yourself
with the shackles of getting results
is the greatest bliss we can feel.

– The Learner.

Thank you.

Do you control your feelings? 

Do we have control over our feelings, I wonder..

Can we make ourself feel a certain way or does the heart makes us feel the way it feels like? 
What do you do when the person who once meant the world to you now ceases to be a part of it? 
Can you tell your cuts to bleed when they’re blocked? 
Can you tell your eyes to cry when they’re dried? 
Can you tell your heart to walk on paths that lead you to places you don’t wanna be in? 
Can you make yourself love a person you so want to but can’t? 
Do you control your feelings or your feelings control you? 
– The Learner.

Her insanity is what I love

She is one piece of shit
crazy at one moment
dozed out in another
says what she wants to, totally adamant.

She wants to make this world a better place
wants to fill every empty heart she finds
her compassion is comforting
with the spirit she combines.

Her dreams are so unreal
it makes me laugh
she’s got this ridiculous energy
makes me feel my soul is half.

She thinks of unicorns, aliens, happiness
things most of us find non existent
her will to keep things going is fierce
even when hope seems quite distant.

She has been through soaring heights
and also bottomless downs
but despite her mess, she keeps walking
she’s the lifeguard that doesn’t let her drown.

She has that sparkle in her eyes
sometimes blinding bright
but sometimes there’s no sign of it
darker than the darkest night.

The more I know her
the more I’m fascinated
Damn, she’s confusing
So misinterpreted!

Volcanoes and tornadoes
fit inside that small little head
sometimes she’s the alive-est person ever
sometimes so dead.

She’s art made of paradoxes
creating herself everyday
exploring new roads with unknown destinations
finds new milestones all through the way.

She’s such a drama queen!
so intense all the time
I love the way she cares too much
The passion she has, you can’t undermine.

She loves unconditionally
to people it does not make a lot of sense
I guess, that’s her beauty
having a heart so big and yet so dense.

She laughs like a seal
cries like a baby
her feelings are always on a high
with so many questions and so many maybes.

She lives like the way I’d always want to
and loves the way everyone should
her words break the monotony
by saying things that no one would.

I can never understand her fully
cause every breath she takes creates a mystery
she’s a book with infinite chapters
a civilisation with endless history.

A few words are never gonna be enough
to describe the universe she holds within
but this was just a small step
to immortalise the way she has always been.

I love the way she exists
sometimes I hate it too
but her insanity is what I love
and that’s 110% true!

– The Learner.

Thank you for reading!

FREEDOM

Often we want those things the most which we can’t have.
Wanna know what I can’t have?
Freedom.
Freedom to live, freedom to be,
freedom of life, freedom to be free.

For once one could imagine to live without
love, acceptance and affection,
but to “live” without freedom
is one hell of a task!

Living without freedom is
no short of a living hell.
Where all you want is to scream,
but have no voice for it.
Where all you want is to fly,
but have no wings for it.
Where all you want is to breathe,
but have no energy for it.

But there are times when I feel free,
times like right now,
when I’m alone in this shady corner of my room
but my mind soars high.

There are times when I sit beside my window,
gazing the sky, the limitless azure,
seeing how the birds fly wherever they want
with no restrictions binding them to shackles,
with no norms prohibiting their carefree existence.

And often do I see birds chirping out there,
kissing and “making love” like no one’s watching.
Used to irritate me a lot, until now.
Because now, I’ve realised
that yes, I’m not able to reach the love
the world has contained for me
but the love has reached me,
in one way or the other.

There are times when I sneak out to the terrace,
admiring the clouds and their vagueness,
adoring the lovely formations
that make a beautiful scenery up there,
a scenery that is nothingness for some
but a story for others,
others like me.

And it’s utterly beautiful,
how none of the fluffs are made to exist
in circles or triangles or rectangles.
It’s beautiful how they’re let lose
and how they become whatever they want
even if it’s abstract,
even if it’s messy,
even if it’s incomprehensible.

There are times when, late night
I quietly walk over to the patio
and stare the celestials, spellbound.
Seeing how the moon is loved
no matter how complete or incomplete it is,
seeing how the stars are loved,
no matter if they’re constellations or not.

And times like these make me realise,
that our world, our nature,
conveys just one thing –
Freedom.

Times like these make me realise,
that there are a lot of people out there
who are deprived of this birthright.
Times like these make me realise,
how surreal the world is and how
some of us are imprisoned from embracing it.

But all these times,
have made me realise one more thing,
that this isn’t it,
that the story doesn’t end here,
that the fate doesn’t get to decide,
I get to decide the fate.

And I decide that all this will end real soon.
I don’t expect any help from God
or some other human being,
because this is my battle
and so is the victory.

Until now,
the world has reached me.
But from now,
I will reach the world,
because freedom is yet to be taken
and life is yet to be lived.

I won’t give up, just yet.
And I know you won’t too.

– The Learner.

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