Today, I’ve totally got myself convinced that I’m an insane person. I’ve never ever felt such drastic emotions in one single day. This is totally crazy. A couple of hours back I was the most depressed I could be..and I’m not kidding, I’m not exaggerating. It’s 1000% real. Those emotions were the realest thing I’ve ever felt. Having no hope is dreadful. And doing wrong things to get over that kind of mood is even worse because one, I feel bad about it, two, the effect doesn’t even last and rather it leaves me more guilty.
There’s this constant battle of anxiety and depression in my head. A part of me persistently tells me to be good, efficient, ideal and the other part just doesn’t have the energy to do anything. One part is on fire and the other one is drowning. It’s insane. It’s craziness overboard. I feel retarded.
I mean, how can I possibly think so much? Thinking too much is still fine for once. But how the fuck can I overthink so much? There’s no limit to this. I think till I eat up my happiness, I think till the blood in my body turns into venom, I think till the rose itself turns into thorns. If I’m put in a desolated empty room for a long time, I won’t die of boredom. I’d die of overthinking.
This has become a habit now. I know it can be used in both the senses, good and bad. But mostly it is bad. And it’s unmanageable. I feel so restless that I’d almost die. There’s a hurricane in my head and my body feels paralysed. The heartbeat is racing but energy is nil. Like, do I have extra neurons in my head or are the neuro transmitters too worked up? I have no clue why. But the amount of thoughts in my head is just crazy. It’s infinite, it’s endless. Like, I can never be bored when I’m alone, because obviously my motherfucking brain is working 24×7. It just keeps on thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking until it’s prepped up to explode.
My head hurts so much. I wanna stop it but I can’t. And that’s the worst part about it. I can’t run away, all I can do is face it. I’ve got to swim through this sea of lava. And it consumes me so much, I can’t even describe. I can’t do anything else! I just can’t. It feels impossible to deviate your mind. I feel like a lunatic.
All these negative thoughts start coming into my mind about how un-ideal I am in every sphere of life. And this yearning to always do the right thing is what fucks me up most of the times. Why can’t I be reckless, nonsensical, careless? Why do I give so many fucks? Why does my fuck stock never gets over? Why does everything I care about affects me so very deeply? It’s madness and I’m mad. I’m totally convinced.
But the craziest part is yet to come. We all get depressed. We all get anxious. Don’t we? But then I just reached the saturation point or something maybe. The volcano just exploded. The cloud just bursted. I broke into laughter. Suddenly, I realised that my life is so fucked up from everywhere, that I’m such a messed up person that I started laughing on my own misery. God knows why. I just did. I started laughing and laughed and laughed and laughed. And then I took my phone, my earphones, my jacket and straight up to terrace. Under the dark, star less sky lying on the bare dirty surface staring into nothingness with loud music in my ears. It was insane. I’m gonna keep saying these words so that you realise that what I’m saying is totally true. I’m a mad person.
Everything just eased up. Let me in. Cheap Thrills. The Greatest. Watering the plants, I watered myself, creating an artificial rain, soaking myself up in the cold water and then running there with no jacket on. It felt good to feel cold. I know it’s stupid but so am I.
The world felt much lighter. I didn’t do anything. No one did anything. I didn’t ask for any help. I didn’t get any help. But maybe this is the way I am. Maybe along with the curse or whatever it is of thinking so much, I also have the blessing or whatever it is of not being able to be in the same feeling for a long period of time. These both attributes can be a blessing or a curse at the same time. But it kinda balances out.
Maybe, I’ll be fine. Without anyone’s help. Yes. I’ve realised that I can live alone. It’s gonna be difficult, miserable, harsh. But I can. I can keep myself happy and I don’t need nobody else. I feel great about this. I’ll pour love into the lives of people but I don’t expect them to do that to me. I’m sufficient for myself. And I’m very happy to have realised this. I can be very lonely at times, I can fuck myself up, but I guess, I’ll be the only person who picks me up when I lie shattered on the ground, I’ll be the only one who will hold my hand when I’m slipping, I’ll be the only one who’s gonna catch me when I’m falling. I don’t at all expect anyone else to do that.
It’s not like I’m refraining from human relations. I’m gonna connect to people, they’re gonna connect to me. I’m gonna make them happy, they’re gonna make me happy. They’re gonna have an impact on me and I’m gonna have an impact on them. But I’ll survive, with or without them. Survive beautifully. Phew. But I’m still crazy. ”
– The Learner.