Half Love

In a universe filled with worlds
a world filled with literature
a literature filled with poetry
poetries filled with love;
obsessive love, unrequited love
long lost love, long distance love
toxic love, addictive love
unconditional love, failed love.

But what about the half love?
The love where you want to give it your all
but can’t?
The love which you want to be whole
with all your being
but all you can do is
end up creating more holes?
The love where the only thing
stopping you from loving is
you?

I read poetry about obsessive love
where you can’t give up on them
because they run through your brain
like the synapse in the neurons.
But what about the love
which a son wants with his mother
a mother people think is quite okay
but fail to see
the invisible light years worth of distance
in a small 4 BHK?

I read poetry about unrequited love
where a love with a person
who doesn’t love you back
is the most beautiful thing in the world.
But what about the love
where the person’s self pity or helplessness
pulls them so down
that they can’t even manage an emotion
all on their own?

I read poetry about long lost love
where the things might be in the past
but the past always manages
to be your present
or even future.
But what about the love
which remains latent
out of the context of time or loss,
an innovation of your demons
and you can’t even get a patent?

I read poetry about long distance love
miles between them
but not within them,
oh, how beautiful!
But what about the love
where you sit beside your partner
trying to leap the unseen spaces
but all that you can hear is silence
and in your mind,
the forgotten laughter.

I read poetry about toxic love,
where they become the death of you
the cancer in your bones
the venom in your veins.
But what about the love
where you consume the poison
kept on the bathroom shelf
and despite having the antidote,
you can’t live for them
because you want to die
for yourself?

I read poetry about addictive love
where you do anything for them
because you can’t do anything
without them.
Soulful integration, right?
But what about the love
that a martyr’s wife has
for the nation he died for
but can’t disintegrate from it
even when the meagre pension lags?

I read poetry about unconditional love
a love beyond limits,
a love beyond boundaries
a love incontextual.
But what about the love
of the Jack living on one side of the border
separated not by nature
but by the nature of humans
for the Rose living on the other?

I read poetry about failed love
where a person
is either a partner or a teacher
and they either leave you
with a story to tell or
a lesson to learn,
and though it failed,
but alteast it sailed.
But what about the love
of a dying woman,
alone in a room
which existed only in her imagination
because it never got a chance
to bloom?

The world writes about
obsessive love, unrequited love
long lost love, long distance love
toxic love, addictive love
unconditional love, failed love
and all the other
appealing and legendary loves.

But here I find myself,
writing about all those half loves
of all those half souls
who the poets don’t find interesting enough,
who don’t find anything to connect to,
in a universe filled with worlds
a world filled with literature
a literature filled with poetry
and poetries filled with love.

– The Learner.

 

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Hyper Brain

He comes to see me after 3 months. I walk to him as he walks towards me.

Am I looking good?

Am I walking properly?

Is my smile alright? 

He looks so lovely.

Shit, why am I sweating!

Omg, I have to leave early!

I stumble while walking.

He clasps me in his arms.

I’ve missed him so much.

Am I holding him too tight? 

Is everybody watching us?

Feels like the world has stopped.

What if someone scolds us? 

Am I smelling okay? 

His cologne, his touch, so good. 

Shit, I’ve to leave early. 

I hug back awkwardly.

He looks into my eyes and asks how I am.

I’ve been so lonely without you.

Is my expression okay? 

I am happy right now but I’ve been miserable.

Am I taking too long to reply? 

What do I want to say? 

What am I gonna say? 

I love you.

Do I have to say anything? 

I don’t know what to say! 

Shit, I’ve to leave early!

I say I’ve been good.

We go out to eat, he asks me what I want.

I’m not really hungry!

Will it be rude if I say I don’t wanna eat anything? 

It’s so good to be with him. 

Am I taking too long? 

What if I get fat?

What if he doesn’t like me being fat? 

What if he leaves me for that? 

I don’t wanna waste his money!

I’m sure as hell taking too long!

I’m gonna be so busted today!

I’ve to leave soon! 

I say I’m full after staring for 3 minutes at the menu card. He orders me a dessert anyway. We eat our food.

Am I eating properly?

Do I look funny? 

Am I eating properly? 

Should I eat or should I talk? 

He’s so cute.

I should talk while eating! 

What do I talk about? 

Am I taking too long to talk? 

Shit, I’ve messed my plate! 

He surely thinks I’m stupid! 

I just wanna be with him. 

I’m so fucking dumb!

My mom’s gonna kill me for being late! 

He smiles and wipes my spilled ice cream with a napkin. I make an awkward laugh.

We finish our food. While walking back home, he comes closer, clutches me in his arms, wanting to kiss me.

Am I smelling okay? 

I don’t know how to kiss! 

Shit, I’m sweating!

He’s beautiful. 

This moment is beautiful. 

I’m gonna mess everything up!

He’s gonna laugh! 

What if he leaves me? 

What if he makes fun of me in front of his friends? 

Is the time getting too slow? 

Shit, he’s coming closer!

I wanna run away!

He smells so good. 

What do I do? 

How do I do it?

His eyes, wow.

What if someone comes? 

What if they see us? 

What will they think? 

I wish I could stop thinking.

Shit, it’s time to leave!

I stand frozen.

The Learner.

DOUBT

Are we really happy people?

Or is happiness just a facade,

which is actually sadness

hidden in the veil of ignorance?

Are we blissful when we smile or the smile just fills up the emptiness inside us, for the time being?

Why do we constantly need reasons to be happy but a single reason is enough to keep us sad?

Are we varying degress of happiness or just varying degrees of absence of sadness?

What is the innate nature of humans?

Constantly dissatisfied?

Always looking for something –

God, love, material possessions

to generate peace within them?

All through our life,

we keep looking for things.

Tangible or intangible,

real or unreal.

Can we exist on what we have now?

Can we stay at the place we are in the moment?

Maybe we can,

but won’t that be stagnation,

existing in one state forever?

Isn’t peace stagnation?

Does goodness really prevail?

Does The Bible, The Qur’an, The Gita guide us to path that always leads to pius destinations?

Or is it us,

the humans,

who have believed that only positivity prevails

and God is the one who maintains it?

Is positivity even there?

Is it universal?

Maybe the truth isn’t the truth itself.

Maybe there is no truth acceptable by all.

Maybe there’s no good and bad,

peace or unrest,

happy or sad.

Maybe it’s all relative.

Maybe the principle of duality prevails.

Maybe everything exists.

Or maybe nothing at all.

– The Learner.

Thank you!

PEOPLE

People come,
only to leave someday.
They occupy spaces
just to leave it vacant someday.

People flow,
like an unexpected breeze
embracing parts of you
you thought didn’t exist,
and leave like a storm
pulling your heart out of your chest
and taking it away as it goes.

People get attached,
just to detach themselves someday.
Like mantras they arrive
like prayers they depart,
without you knowing
even if you don’t open your lips.

People get to know you,
love the parts of you
you thought were too ordinary to acknowledge
and then slowly start the un-knowing
until you turn into strangers
who just know a lot about each other.

People make you smile,
laugh your gut off,
make you roll on the floor laughing
just to make you weep
on the same floor someday.
They make you cry out of laughter,
they make you cry out of sorrow,
but they do make you cry.

People are of all kinds,
some like salt
some like cheese.
Some stay there for you,
not being noticed
but enhancing every moment.
Some are just there on the top,
making things look tempting
even when it increases your blood pressure.

People make you learn things
you thought were “out of your league”
and make you leave things
you thought were the “essentials”.

People make parts of you
which you choose
to give in their hands.
People break parts of you
which you choose
to give in their hands.

People love you,
they hate you.
They make you happy,
they make you sad.
But the thing they always do is..
leave,
either by circumstances or by death.

However, in the end,
they’re just people.
That’s how they are
and that’s how you accept them.

– The Learner.

Thank You.

 

SLOWING DOWN

You know,
in split seconds between split seconds
in moments between moments
everything slows down…

When everything slows down,
you pay attention to much more things
than you normally do.

Slowing down,
I see the dry leaves flying,
detaching themselves from the tree
the tree which can’t nurture it anymore
flying away to a place unplanned
with no direction whatsoever.
I want to be like that leaf.

Slowing down,
I see concrete rocks,
lying on the road
sitting unaffected by nothing or no one,
neither waiting for anyone to come
nor waiting to go anywhere,
just there
lying in the space
lying in that moment.
I want to be like that rock.

Slowing down,
I see the birds,
some flying together
making beautiful patterns in the sky,
some travelling alone
to expanses
even they themselves can’t fathom.
I want to be like those birds.

Slowing down,
I feel the breeze,
I see it moving
I smell its fragrance
taking a part of everything it comes across
to places that are unknown by the humanity,
travelling miles and miles
to touch the horizon
knowing that it never actually will
but just the act of moving towards it
brings solace to her.
I want to be like the wind.

Slowing down,
I see the sky,
so vast so endless
but seems so close,
just up there on it’s own
existing in its eternal independence,
with or without anything beneath it.
I want to be like that sky.

Slowing down,
I walk on the road,
observing the nature
and then observing humans,
the traffic,
the tension,
the haste.

Always in a hurry
to get to another place
without savouring the moment
we’re already living.

Running in races not meant for us
crying for things that won’t matter,
so desperate to reach the destination
that we forget to enjoy the journey,
only to realise later
that our destination was our journey
and the journey, our satisfaction.

Slowing down,
I realise that we’re caught
in the vicious circle of getting results
by ourselves and by others,
the results
which not always result into anything
but always result into misery
for not being able to bring any results.

Slowing down,
I realise that sometimes
it’s better to let go of expectations
and breathe in
for the sole purpose of
contentment,
sometimes freeing yourself
with the shackles of getting results
is the greatest bliss we can feel.

– The Learner.

Thank you.

Do you control your feelings? 

Do we have control over our feelings, I wonder..

Can we make ourself feel a certain way or does the heart makes us feel the way it feels like? 
What do you do when the person who once meant the world to you now ceases to be a part of it? 
Can you tell your cuts to bleed when they’re blocked? 
Can you tell your eyes to cry when they’re dried? 
Can you tell your heart to walk on paths that lead you to places you don’t wanna be in? 
Can you make yourself love a person you so want to but can’t? 
Do you control your feelings or your feelings control you? 
– The Learner.

Darkness is my home

​I know how you feel, sweetheart. I’ve been there too. We just start liking the condition we’re in. We start to find ecstasy in melancholy, euphoria in gloom. Our eyes feel dry if we haven’t cried for a day, our heart feels empty if we haven’t had an emotional breakdown. We just adjust with the way we’ve been living. We become mates with the feelings that we hold all the time…even if they are self destructive.

I know you’re in a comfortable place, I know you don’t want to change, I know you’ve adapted to living this way. But would you have chosen to live like this if it were all in your hands? If you were the writer of your story, is this the “you” you would’ve created? Is this the “you” you wanted to be when you were a child? 

I know..if we live in darkeness for a long time, even the dimmest of the ray hurts us. But we need to realise that there’s so much more in front of us than what we have been seeing. There are so many presents lying in front of us but we can’t see them because we’ve closed our eyes, closed our eyes to light. 
I’m not saying that darkness is not your home. Maybe it is. But who stays at their home all the time, anyway? Home is comfortable, home is important but it isn’t the only place we can be. 
The fact is that some of us are that way. Some of us like solitude, silence and sleep. Some of us like to be in the dark. And that’s fine. We’re all allowed to exist. 

But despite being comfortable in your own home…GET OUT.

 Get out ,knowing that you’ll have to come back one day, come back to home, come back to darkness.

Our home is a part of us, but it is not the only part. “Jumping on the hotel beds” is a part of us. “Sleeping on the lone bench” is a part of us. “Lying on the grass under the sky” is also a part of us. Don’t undermine the rest of them.

I know your pupils have contracted over the time and you might feel that the littlest of the sunshine will burn your eyes up. But believe me, they’ll dilate. Sunshine will warm you, not harm you.
And this is only possible if you take small steps every moment. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Make yourself a good cup of coffee. Feel the rain. Clean up your bed and write a journal. An art journal maybe. Pamper yourself.

The world is beautiful, my love. And the amazing part about it is that you’re the best when you’re you. 
I’m not telling you to leave your home. But at least come out. 

Love

– The Learner.

Thank you for your time. Keep breathing! 🙂

Her insanity is what I love

She is one piece of shit
crazy at one moment
dozed out in another
says what she wants to, totally adamant.

She wants to make this world a better place
wants to fill every empty heart she finds
her compassion is comforting
with the spirit she combines.

Her dreams are so unreal
it makes me laugh
she’s got this ridiculous energy
makes me feel my soul is half.

She thinks of unicorns, aliens, happiness
things most of us find non existent
her will to keep things going is fierce
even when hope seems quite distant.

She has been through soaring heights
and also bottomless downs
but despite her mess, she keeps walking
she’s the lifeguard that doesn’t let her drown.

She has that sparkle in her eyes
sometimes blinding bright
but sometimes there’s no sign of it
darker than the darkest night.

The more I know her
the more I’m fascinated
Damn, she’s confusing
So misinterpreted!

Volcanoes and tornadoes
fit inside that small little head
sometimes she’s the alive-est person ever
sometimes so dead.

She’s art made of paradoxes
creating herself everyday
exploring new roads with unknown destinations
finds new milestones all through the way.

She’s such a drama queen!
so intense all the time
I love the way she cares too much
The passion she has, you can’t undermine.

She loves unconditionally
to people it does not make a lot of sense
I guess, that’s her beauty
having a heart so big and yet so dense.

She laughs like a seal
cries like a baby
her feelings are always on a high
with so many questions and so many maybes.

She lives like the way I’d always want to
and loves the way everyone should
her words break the monotony
by saying things that no one would.

I can never understand her fully
cause every breath she takes creates a mystery
she’s a book with infinite chapters
a civilisation with endless history.

A few words are never gonna be enough
to describe the universe she holds within
but this was just a small step
to immortalise the way she has always been.

I love the way she exists
sometimes I hate it too
but her insanity is what I love
and that’s 110% true!

– The Learner.

Thank you for reading!

CRAZINESS OVERBOARD!!!

“Dear diary,

Today, I’ve totally got myself convinced that I’m an insane person. I’ve never ever felt such drastic emotions in one single day. This is totally crazy. A couple of hours back I was the most depressed I could be..and I’m not kidding, I’m not exaggerating. It’s 1000% real. Those emotions were the realest thing I’ve ever felt. Having no hope is dreadful. And doing wrong things to get over that kind of mood is even worse because one, I feel bad about it, two, the effect doesn’t even last and rather it leaves me more guilty.

There’s this constant battle of anxiety and depression in my head. A part of me persistently tells me to be good, efficient, ideal and the other part just doesn’t have the energy to do anything. One part is on fire and the other one is drowning. It’s insane. It’s craziness overboard. I feel retarded.

I mean, how can I possibly think so much? Thinking too much is still fine for once. But how the fuck can I overthink so much? There’s no limit to this. I think till I eat up my happiness, I think till the blood in my body turns into venom, I think till the rose itself turns into thorns. If I’m put in a desolated empty room for a long time, I won’t die of boredom. I’d die of overthinking.

This has become a habit now. I know it can be used in both the senses, good and bad. But mostly it is bad. And it’s unmanageable. I feel so restless that I’d almost die. There’s a hurricane in my head and my body feels paralysed. The heartbeat is racing but energy is nil. Like, do I have extra neurons in my head or are the neuro transmitters too worked up? I have no clue why. But the amount of thoughts in my head is just crazy. It’s infinite, it’s endless. Like, I can never be bored when I’m alone, because obviously my motherfucking brain is working 24×7. It just keeps on thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking until it’s prepped up to explode.

My head hurts so much. I wanna stop it but I can’t. And that’s the worst part about it. I can’t run away, all I can do is face it. I’ve got to swim through this sea of lava. And it consumes me so much, I can’t even describe. I can’t do anything else! I just can’t. It feels impossible to deviate your mind. I feel like a lunatic.

All these negative thoughts start coming into my mind about how un-ideal I am in every sphere of life. And this yearning to always do the right thing is what fucks me up most of the times. Why can’t I be reckless, nonsensical, careless? Why do I give so many fucks? Why does my fuck stock never gets over? Why does everything I care about affects me so very deeply? It’s madness and I’m mad. I’m totally convinced.

But the craziest part is yet to come. We all get depressed. We all get anxious. Don’t we? But then I just reached the saturation point or something maybe. The volcano just exploded. The cloud just bursted. I broke into laughter. Suddenly, I realised that my life is so fucked up from everywhere, that I’m such a messed up person that I started laughing on my own misery. God knows why. I just did. I started laughing and laughed and laughed and laughed. And then I took my phone, my earphones, my jacket and straight up to terrace. Under the dark, star less sky lying on the bare dirty surface staring into nothingness with loud music in my ears. It was insane. I’m gonna keep saying these words so that you realise that what I’m saying is totally true. I’m a mad person.

Everything just eased up. Let me in. Cheap Thrills. The Greatest. Watering the plants, I watered myself, creating an artificial rain, soaking myself up in the cold water and then running there with no jacket on. It felt good to feel cold. I know it’s stupid but so am I.

The world felt much lighter. I didn’t do anything. No one did anything. I didn’t ask for any help. I didn’t get any help. But maybe this is the way I am. Maybe along with the curse or whatever it is of thinking so much, I also have the blessing or whatever it is of not being able to be in the same feeling for a long period of time. These both attributes can be a blessing or a curse at the same time. But it kinda balances out.

Maybe, I’ll be fine. Without anyone’s help. Yes. I’ve realised that I can live alone. It’s gonna be difficult, miserable, harsh. But I can. I can keep myself happy and I don’t need nobody else. I feel great about this. I’ll pour love into the lives of people but I don’t expect them to do that to me. I’m sufficient for myself. And I’m very happy to have realised this. I can be very lonely at times, I can fuck myself up, but I guess, I’ll be the only person who picks me up when I lie shattered on the ground, I’ll be the only one who will hold my hand when I’m slipping, I’ll be the only one who’s gonna catch me when I’m falling. I don’t at all expect anyone else to do that.

It’s not like I’m refraining from human relations. I’m gonna connect to people, they’re gonna connect to me. I’m gonna make them happy, they’re gonna make me happy. They’re gonna have an impact on me and I’m gonna have an impact on them. But I’ll survive, with or without them. Survive beautifully. Phew. But I’m still crazy. ”

–  The Learner.

When music becomes noise

“Nothing’s really wrong or sad, but it still kinda is. You know what I mean? Your don’t really have anything to be sad about but still you are. And I don’t even mean sad, exactly. You just feel lost. I feel lost. Can’t concentrate on things for a long while, eating’s just a formality, music is just noise, TV shows are just random pictures, you know. It feels like your body is here but your mind is somewhere else. Or to be precise, your mind wants to be somewhere else, so bad that I can’t even explain. Like it really wants to break all the walls, windows and doors and just escape the hell out of wherever it is! And the most annoying part is that it can’t. It’s caged over there and it just can’t go anywhere else. And probably that’s the reason why I or anyone else feels the way they’re feeling..lost.” #3amThoughts

Thank you for reading!

Love,
The Learner. ❤